Barbie's Love Dilemma

Friday, January 20, 2006

Once upon a time there was a famous fashion doll named Barbie.
After a line of dolls called 'Bratz' came along and began to outsell her, Mattel decided to drum up some publicity for her by introducing her to Australian surfer boy Blaine. Ever the attention whore, Barbie immediately ditched long term boyfriend Ken and invited Blaine over for a date!

Meanwhile, a lost and forlorn Ken was left with nothing to do but leave messages of love and longing to his former flame on the outside walls of the Barbie Dream House.

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Back inside, as Barbie and Blaine were about to sit down to dinner, Barbie was struck down by stomach cramps and excused herself, hurrying to the toilet.
"Damn those burritos I had for lunch, they always go right through me," Barbie sighed unhappily.

Suddenly Barbie heard a rustling in the bushes outside and looked out the window to see Ken spying on her.
"Hi Ken!" Barbie called cheerily.

"I hope your face turns into a mass of festering sores you skanky whore!" Ken shouted, tossing a handful of mud at her.

Barbie began to tire of Ken's anti-social behavior and thus decided the next day to have both Blaine and Ken over for a cup of tea, whereupon they would both have an equal chance to charm her. The most charming, would become her sweetheart.

As they all sat down to discuss the predicament, Ken made his move, dropping his pants and offering Barbie a feel of his tight plastic butt.

Not about to be outdone, Blaine dropped his pants also, showing Barbie that unlike Ken's 1960's design, Blaine's modern day line of dolls were made anatomically correct, if not a little generous.
"Oh my!" Barbie gasped, dropping her tea in surprise.

Having soiled herself with the tea, Barbie went to her bedroom and changed. Upon returning, Barbie was delighted to see that her vibrantly homosexual neighours, Adam and Steve, had dropped over.

"Hi ya doll. We had some hash brownies we couldn't get through and thought you might like them." Steve told her.
"Super!" Barbie cheered taking the tray and bidding them farewell.
"Hey guys!" Barbie cheered handing the brownies around to Ken and Blaine "Let's get stoned!"
Half an hour later...
"What's with all the pink elephants?" Ken asked as they sat around giggling hysterically.

Later, Barbie began to feel a little ill and excused herself.
After a time, Blaine and Ken wondered what could possibly have happened to her and decided to look for her, finding her in the bathroom.

"Eugh, one brownie too many," Barbie gurgled.
As Ken and Blaine helped her up off the floor Barbie gasped in disappointment.
"Goodness! I've vomited a little on my blouse!" she pouted.
Barbie stripped out of her clothes to change, but upon catching her reflection in the bathroom mirror began screaming hysterically.
"Damn those brownies! Now I'm FAT!!! How am I supposed to promote an unrealistic body image to young girls now!!".

Barbie went to her bedroom to put on fresh clothes, and, upon returning to the lounge room, discovered Blaine performing his amazing flower pot balancing trick, an attempt to try and tip the scales in his favour.
"You've seen it before, but now it's time to see it when I'm HAPPY!" Blaine cheered.

"Blaine you have a strange growth!" Barbie gasped "Lucky I'm a registered Nurse and am equipped to deal with these kind of things."
Barbie removed the flower pot, and fainted.

Realising he could never compete with such a well-hung adversary, Ken stormed outside, deciding there was only one thing that would help him in this situation, extreme violence! Spotting Barbie's jeep in the driveway, an idea came to mind.

"Barbie now you have no choice but to pick me!" Ken gloated, before gasping as Barbie pulled up a corner of the lounge room carpet to reveal a stock of new Blaines.

Realising that any attempt to eradicate the many Blaines would be fruitless, Ken raced to Barbie's bedroom in a fit of rage, intending to trash it.
"No Ken! Don't go in there!" Barbie cried racing after him.
"What the hell?" Ken gasped as he opened the door.

"That's, uh, my gardener Yorick," said Barbie sheepishly "Wait-I mean my plumber, Juan, wait-no...he's quite hairy..."
"You have a serious problem Barbie," Ken cut in "And it's time you faced up to it."
"You're right," Barbie sighed sadly "I can't deny it any longer, I do need help..."

"Uh, new girl? Could you please introduce yourself?" the group councellor asked.
"I'm uh, my name is, um, uh...I'm the 'truly outrageous' Jem!" Barbie responded.
"That's funny," the councellor responded "The last time I checked, I thought I was Jem,"
"D'oh!" snapped Barbie.

"Barbie it's ok to be ashamed," Jem told her "I was once like you, I actually started out here as a patient. In the mid-eighties I was one of the hottest fashion dolls around, but then in 1987 my toy line was discontinued, and soon after my cartoon axed. Broke and unemployed, I turned to drugs and anonymous sex to cover up the pain. I bedded every action figure in sight, GI Joe, Batman, She-Ra...but the morning I woke up under Gumby I KNEW I had to make a change and turn my life around..."

"You're in a safe place Barbie, it's time to begin the healing process and learn to love yourself again," Jem said soothingly.
"Oh shove it Jem!" Barbie shouted suddenly "I'm out of control ok, I've got issues! BIG ones! I'm just so tired of being so pretty and pink and nice ok!"
Barbie jumped to her feet, pulled a baseball bat from her purse, and proceeded to trash the place.

Jem managed to push a duress button on the wall and moments later a police officer burst in, grabbing Barbie before shoving her down on a table and cuffing her.
"Get your dirty hands off me you filthy $#!@% pig!!!" Barbie shrieked in rage "Don't you $#!@% know who I am???".

"You are charged with disorderly conduct," the police officer announced " You are sentenced to six Malibu State Penitentury! Smile for the camera Miss."
"Wait! I haven't fixed my hair!" Barbie gasped.

Follow the link below to read episode two: Barbie In The Big House!

Copyright © Cade Buchanan 2013

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